„Here,“ he hears him say.
Naoki’s hand was stretched out towards him. He offers him a drink, but Isamu doesn’t take it.
„I don’t want it.“ Is what he says instead and Naoki sighs silently.
A sigh, huh? Yeah, he’s probably sick of it by now. Sick of even trying for Isamu, sick of getting rejected at every little action – Isamu’s eyes narrow as he looks up to shot a glance at his…what? Former best friend?
He bit his lip as tight as he could; trying to quell the growing feeling of need within his chest.
His chest hurt; it was an uncomfortably compressive feeling. Unbearale, almost…
frowning, he shut his eyes; hoping that the pain would go away…
He didn’t know what to make of his thoughts anymore.
He didn’t know what to make of his feelings for Naoki.
Being brought back into this world left him bitter – Hell, the fact the world was brought back in the first place did.
Blaming his friend was all he ever did once they made it back. It was his fault he couldn’t have created the Musubi World. It was his fault he had to return to his normal, usual life and he simply couldn’t deal with it.
But that was then…and now he knew he felt completely different. Before, he’d go and distract himself by throwing a temper at Naoki, telling himself he was the source for his own discontentment. Now, however…
His thoughts were distracted and Isamu’s muscles tensed as he noticed the taller sitting down right next to him.
Every time he would touch him his body would react like that, if only at little occassions like their fingers touching while handing over a sheet during lessons, or when they’d spend their lunch break on the school roof, shoulder leaning against the other’s. Every single touch…
Isamu clutched his knees roughly, moving away from the other slightly. He couldn’t think of anything else. He couldn’t imagine anything else! It had all been the same…It was Naoki’s eyes, his face, his voice that Isamu had heard and seen.
And then…he could only feel his skin…his warmth; the warmth of his body near his own that he could feel whenever he was alone. Now however, he was here with him. They were close and Isamu couldn’t deny he relished in this. He wanted Naoki close;
He…Wanted Naoki to give him reassurance. He wanted to depend on him. He wanted to hold on to him, right now, always…
Yet, Naoki would just sit there. He never did much else. Isamu couldn’t stand the conspicuously oppressive silence that would linger there over their heads when all he felt was desolate to begin with.
Couldn’t Naoki understand that he was killing him? Didn’t the jerk know that he was suffering? Didn’t he know…that Isamu needed him? That he only thought of him? That he only wanted him? No one else?
They weren’t boyfriends - Naoki and him were friends, just friends, damnit. No more. And they’ll never be…Never. He did it again… He felt a special treatment whenever the other talked to him…But it was the same kind of attention Naoki would give to anyone. It was nothing special. There were no deeper feelings involved. He set his hopes up again…Only to be disappointed. Again.
„Please take it.“ Naoki tried once more, and god damnit those eyes; those grey piercing eyes that seemed to probe his own - yet his expression was as inscrutable as always. Isamu hated that…Didn’t the bastard see how miserable he was right now? What’s with that stoic face all the time?!
Trembling with sudden anger and disappointment, he slapped his friend’s hand away. As a result, the drink fell down to the ground, and only when it dripped out of it’s can did Isamu realize what it was he had done.
He couldn’t tell if it was out of pride or because he didn’t know how to trust. He wasn’t sure why he had such awful streaks towards Naoki, no matter what he did. Towards the one he wanted to get noticed by of all people. All he really wanted was his care and yet he turned him down whenever he could.
„I don’t want your fucking crap, Naoki.“
Stubborn and proud as he was, Isamu once again wasn’t able to find the right words; He didn’t want to simply sit there, or something to drink, or time to think. He…
Lay your arm around me. Tell me it’ll be alright. Don’t leave me here. Three little sentences. That’s all there was to it. Yet, he couldn’t tell him. Not after he said all those things, back in the Vortex World. ‘I don’t need anyone’, ‘I stopped caring about others entirely’, ‘I want to be alone’…
Naoki’s dull silver eyes, now almost lifeless, scanned the area absently, looking at anything that’s not Isamu and it hurt the raven haired even more. He didn’t know what he expected Naoki to do after he rebuffed him brutally like that. He couldn’t expect him to show affection, but truth was, he still did.
Isamu was desperate…
he was hurt…
he wanted him…
But the one he wants didn’t share his feelings. Naoki didn’t want him… Maybe he cherished him as a friend…but it was not enough. And so, Isamu fought it by keeping a distance, by blaming and rejecting the only person who bothered with him at all. It…was the only thing that he could do to quench his despair.
His body feels heavy.
He turns away from the other even more; There’s no comfort and he doesn’t want to be here for another minute, but there’s nowhere to go tonight anways.
How long was he sitting out here, in the cold? Has it been 3 hours? 5 hours? …Naoki offered him to stay at the Kashima’s place tonight, but despite that being what he secretly hoped for when he called Naoki today, he declined.
…He shouldn’t have.
He shouldn’t have told his father about the failed exam.
Hurt the family’s pride; again…
He scoffed; he couldn’t care less…
He never aksed for this, he never wanted to be the only son of some strict, cold family like the one he was born into. He didn’t want to have responsibility…He didn’t want people to expect things from him…
Isamu…“Courage“…He didn’t want to bear that name. Did they chose it in hopes he’d become an impressive young man high in society?…He wasn’t courageous. He didn’t want to be! He…couldn’t anymore.
The hours ticked by as they both sat there without any sign of life. Naoki still didn’t say anything. As for Isamu himself, he was…thinking. He knew what it felt like to be hated at school and having his whole family look down on him. …actually, the Vortex World and this home here…weren’t so different after all. He never did have anyone…Here, it was society shunning him and vice versa, it was him basically sucking at everything he tried to do, and…
The broken fragments of his friendship with Naoki…Was the only thing that made him try dealing with this life since they came back. Too much in denial to realize it, being blinded by that Solitude ideal of his, he fell for his friend hopelessly and being with him was like he had a place he belonged to…
But it was completely one-sided.
Isamu was just as much of a friend to Naoki as Chiaki was. Yes…Naoki spent a lot of time with the girl as well, and compared to her, Isamu probably caused only trouble for his best friend. It would’ve been no wonder was Naoki to prefer meeting up with her than meeting up with Isamu.
He…felt truly left alone now. Locked away from any last string of bonds he had ever formed in that pathetic life of his.
He didn’t have anything left.
A tear trickled down his cheek as he realized that.
And alone he still remained.
Isamu’s breaths became labored as he heard Naoki’s voice. He wanted to turn around to face him but it was just so incredibly hard to fight his pride. So he stayed there; unmoving as he let fresh tears out of his tired eyes.
A sudden mix of fright and frustration surfaced in Isamu’s system. All the images and memories of the Mantra, but more overwhelmingly, Kabukicho-Prison returned at once and he wanted to scream…but found himself unable to. His hand reached for his throat and it was like he had lost his voice. He let out a trembling sigh; what Naoki said now and then may have been true or untrue. He didn’t seem to see the difference anymore.
Naoki had been there, too late to save him. He saw him. But he did nothing.
He closed his eyes tightly as his vision began to heat up. His tears were welling up within, ‘He gave me up…He…’ his despair creeping upon his countenance.
The world seemed to blur and fade…
All that he thought of…was that face…
And those words…
He was sorry…?
‘Really Naoki…? You were sorry…? That I was tortured? For leaving me alone? For forgetting about me?’
He was still bitter over the happenings during the Conception. However, he was getting accustomed to the timely prickle of the anger in his chest. Now though…there was a strange feeling of desperation invading his body.
It was just…
There was no feeling of antagonism, of defiance…
Naoki must’ve heard him sob because he wrapped his free arm around Isamu’s body tenderly, pulling him closer to his chest. Finally… He still didn’t look at him nor did he talk, but the feeling of being so completely helpless yet secured in his firm hold sent thrills of undeniable pleasure through Isamu exhausted body, and he could finally allow himself to just let go. To just give himself over to the moment and allow someone else to take control for a while. So he lowered his head, leaning in to the taller slightly and cried all he wanted. He might not want to be seen weak like that, but knowing that Naoki was there to hold him for a while without judging him, he didn’t care much anymore. He wasn’t alright, and both of them knew it.
Apparently wanting to say something, Naoki tightened his grip on him and after a little while he seemed to have found the words he had been looking for.
“Let’s…Stay like this for a while, alright?”
Was it better to restrain from someone than to be left disappointed…? Or was it okay to trust? To depend…
“You…This is…” Isamu gulped and it hurts in his throat, voice finally cracking “…Not alright if you just gonna…see this as something you’re forced to do…”
To hell with it, letting go now and it would break his heart.
YEAH this was for tumblr's SMT Sunday theme - CRYDAY SUNDAY = perfect
I apologize for the writing, I never write so I don't know how to use nice wording yet. and english is not my mother tongue but hey that's just an excuse right now. I needed to add this to the drawing though, they need to go hand in hand. uvu
Um yeah when I wrote this I was like "Uh okay this is such a clutter" but then I figured I want it that way because I think Isamu's feelings and thoughts are pretty much the biggest mess too, so it fits.
This theme was great, I had a lot of fun and lots of feels and lots of anger issues too because of that friggin art oh man.
I worked years on that drawing help
Hitoshura/Isamu (c) ATLUS
Art (c) Me